Restless Mind Syndrome



God grant the the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference


It sounds great, every single time I recite it, think it, whisper it, or read it. If I overthink it, it loses strength and meaning. However, every day I am offered choices, which I will eventually triage into the "accept" or "change" category. Decisions to act, or not. This is where the last phrase of the Serenity Prayer comes into play, and as I continue to grow in the Program, the choice to take firm action or remain passive becomes increasingly clearer. 

If I am at work, and I am "unfairly" complained about by a coworker or patient, do I defend myself? Do I fight to protect my place in the environment by pushing back, or do I apologize and recognize some failing in an open way? Or perhaps some combination of both? When is it time to defend myself for the greater good, and when is it time to eat crow, peacefully, and improve the situation through direct amends?

This is where not thinking comes in. My mind is active and restless, and will often project out a worst-case scenario future with every ripple in the day. Only clearing my head of all thought will provide the opportunity for the light of God’s message to find me. A friend in sobriety once told me that God speaks to us in between our thoughts. When my brain is a freeway at 5pm on a Friday, I only hear the constant drone of speeding cars, and cannot cross  from the "stuck-in-the-problem" side to the "live-in-the-solution" side. I must clear my mind, empty it of all thought, for me to receive my Higher Power's message across the road. Only when I convert my busy interstate into a rural toepath can I receive an enlightened decision.

I close my eyes, focus on my breathing, and stay very still. I recite a mantra once given to me at age nine by a spiritual guide. I implement mindfulness techniques. Slowly, the swirling thoughts drain from my head like dirty bathwater down an open drain. Eventually, God's message gets through. I am enlightened, and inspired to either accept or change. Only then can I faithfully  move forward...or stay still.

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