The Whiz Quiz Show



Never in my life has my urine been so vitally linked to my career.

As a medical professional enrolled in a health professionals' monitoring program (HPMP), I have become proficient at peeing in cups.  I joined  the Virginia HPMP in  November 2016, while still in residential rehab. As one part of my five-year agreement with the Commonwealth, I agreed to submit  to random urine drug  screenings through the entirety of my contract, which runs through late 2021. Every morning at 4am the program’s software algorithm decides who will be tested that day and who will be spared. I check in on my handy-dandy phone app, an early-day ritual which I have become quite accustomed to over the last 42 months. If chosen, I carve out time in my day for a trip to the closest LabCorp or urgent care center. Failure to submit a sample is tantamount to a failed drug test.

On this morning I was summoned for my 126th screen. That's a lot of piss, folks! (A quick back-of-the-envelope calculation puts it at about 4 gallons). I would like to give a special shout out to Rachel, the local lab tech who has handled most of my whiz quizzes. A single “positive” result would put my career squarely on the rocks. I would be thoroughly investigated, as ostensibly there are no "false positives" (or so my case manager tells me). I’m pleased to say thus far I've had 100% pristine urine- clean as the wind-driven snow.  I also get to give the occasional blood sample, and, when I'm really lucky, a hair specimen (so far no semen sample required).

Kidding aside, it's a small price to pay for keeping my medical license and getting to continue working as a physician. These tests provide definitive accountability for those of us who need it.  Any behavior repeated enough quickly  becomes a habit, and urinating in a cup these days is as routine to me as taking out the garbage. It's just what we professionals in long-term recovery do.

I suppose I have another 50 or 60  specimens to go until my time in HPMP has been served. Maybe when my contract is up, after I am “released,”  I'll keep a small plastic grey container in my bathroom just for old times' sake.



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