Baby Soul



It’s  Baby Soul Day!

In my younger teen years, I worshipped the iconic band Rush. At age 14 I was small, nerdy, intellectual, and afraid of my own shadow. Geddy Lee's voice, Alex Lifeson's guitar, and Neal Peart's lyrics encapsulated perfectly how I felt growing up in 1980s suburban North Jersey surrounded by big studly Italian boys and athletic Irish kids.  Neither the albums Moving Pictures nor Signals left my turntable *ever* unless I was simply swapping out one for the other. I hid in my room, pretending how I was going to somehow be cool, be accepted, break out.

30 years later, as I felt myself inevitably sinking in alcoholic quicksand, I read Neal Peart's memoir Ghost Rider. Having lost his daughter to a car crash and wife to cancer within the same year, the legendary drummer one morning mounted his motorcycle and embarked on a two-year tour of the Americas, riding wherever the wind (his HP?) took him. While journaling his geographic adventures, he continuously alluded to his "baby soul"- that inner presence of hope and recovery that was born within him after his life tragedies, the delicate flame which could be nurtured into a sustainable and warming fire. Of course, early on, while still delicate, it could also flicker out...

So it was that in the cold, dark early days of my new sobriety my own Baby Soul was born.  Sponsors, therapists, sober peers, and family provided kindling. The teachings of Alcoholics Anonymous supplied oxygen. HP added the spark to get the tiny fire going, but it was MY JOB to tend to it.  Prayer, meditation, mindfulness.... and meetings, meetings and more meetings nurtured my flame. Baby Soul, still very much a babe in the woods, eventually became a toddler...learning to crawl, then walk while holding hands.

It was a dangerous time for Baby Soul. Toddlers need protection. The surrounding dampness of alcohol everywhere, the driving rain of a horrendous divorce, the hail of job rejections, and the ever-present grief of child loss could have extinguished Baby Soul's candle at any moment. I only had two hands, and I desperately needed my care network to hover, shield, surround, and protect. I could not defend Baby Soul alone against the elements.

Toddler Soul is now discovering his voice. He likes to babble, and occasionally puts together a few coherent words. He is growing stronger, hotter. But he still wanders off, screams in displeasure, throws food, has a potty accident, and has wicked temper tantrums. Toddler Soul still needs his grownups in the Program, and will for a long, long time.

Ever think about taking a day off from your two-year old, just leaving him alone to his own devices? Parents, don't try this at home.

It’s Baby Soul day, because EVERY DAY is Baby Soul Day.

They're  so cute when they're young.




Comments

  1. gmorek46June 2, 2020 at 9:30 AM

    This yanked on my heart strings! Your words are beautifully written. Thanks for sharing, and never stop growing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The MomJune 2, 2020 at 9:40 AM

    There is something about reading the private thoughts of someone you know. It brings it all home and allows for personal introspection that otherwise is pushed aside as not relevant to life in general. Thanks for allowing us in your brain, if even for just a few moments. You are loved; you are respected; you are looked up to and you are seen as who you have always been, only unshattered and nearly whole.

    ReplyDelete

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